Time I can Never Reclaim

Have you ever watched a movie and felt brain cells die in your head?  Contemplated leaving a theatre because the film was that bad, but you stayed because you held out hope that it would redeem itself (and your money spent) at some point?  I have.  Here is a list of 10 films I wish I have never seen or at least could regain the time that was wasted watching them.  Heretofore, in no particular order:

Mr Wrong – When my friend Tim and I discussed this topic, Mr. Wrong was the first movie that came to mind.  When I asked my sister to help me recall these movies I’ve repressed into the deepest, darkest depths of my brain, she also listed Mr. Wrong first.  This movie was from the era before Ellen DeGeneres came out of the closet and still pretended to be straight (but not convincingly so).  In this film she played a single and lonely woman who  finds the seemingly perfect man to date (Bill Pullman), but soon regrets it when his deranged and possessive other personality emerges and worst still, she cannot convince anyone else of his Jekyll/Hyde true nature.  Sounds like a cute RomCom, but it’s not.  The acting is terrible.  The writing is terrible.  Bill Pullman makes me want to pull my hair out.

Slackers – I don’t know why this movie was selected as something worthwhile of viewing.  Perhaps because on the trailers it appeared to be funny (and it’s always sad when the trailers show the best parts of the film).  Noah and I went to see this movie with a couple of friends.  Thankfully I had taken a 40-mile bike ride earlier that day and fell asleep during the film.  Unfortunately, one of the horrible scenes I recall is that of a talking penis.  No further explanation necessary, I’m sure, as to why the movie made this list.

Old School – Who doesn’t love Will Ferrell?  Than man is a comedy genius.  Too bad he sometimes makes movies that rot brains instead of ensuing laughter.  I enjoyed him on SNL and in A Night at the Roxbury, but Noah and I seriously considered walking out of the theatre for Old School when girls started wrestling in a kiddy pool of K-Y Jelly.  We should have left, redeemed our money and our pride, but held out in hopes the move would get better.  It didn’t.

XXX – I’m not a big action movie fan but somehow I saw this one.  Perhaps Noah wanted to see it or maybe it was because my cousin sent me a copy.  Either way I know I lost brain cells watching this one as I cannot even recall the plot.  I can tell you with accuracy that Vin Diesel is an abysmal actor.  Moving on…

The 40 Year Old Virgin – I enjoy the American version of The Office.  Steve Carell is a funny man.  However, like Will Ferrell, sometimes his film selection needs some work.  Case-in-point: The 40 Year Old Virgin.  I did not see this movie in the theatre but people kept telling me how funny it was.  So, one night when I saw it listed in the guide on TV I flipped to that channel.  I made it about 10 minutes into the film before discussions surrounding sex with horses in Mexico revolted me and I immediately selected something else to watch.  Those are 10 minutes of my life I can never reclaim.

Kung Fu Panda – I normally like animated films.  They amuse me and take me back to a happier time of my childhood.  But a film about some lame panda who can do karate, not so much.  I saw this film on DVD with friends.  I did not laugh one time.  It was lame. I was bored.

Casino Royale – I like Bond films, despite not being an action movie aficionado.  But no Bond will ever be as good as Sean Connery.  It’s hard to pick who was the worst Bond, Timothy Dalton or Daniel Craig.  Either way, Casino Royale was a waste of my time and Craig is a disgrace to all things Bond.

Austin Powers in Goldmember – I remember when my BFF Erin introduced me to the first Austin Powers movie.  It was a new twist on comedy and I was at a stage in my life when the vulgarity did not cause me to cringe at every saucy joke.  Austin Powers The Spy Who Shagged Me was even better than the first (due to the studio massively increasing the film’s budget).  However, Austin #3 was awful.  Perhaps I think this is partly due to my increased level of maturity and distaste in dumb funny/vulgar comedy.  But I believe it’s also partly due to the fact the actors and writing were terrible. And don’t even get me started on the plot!

Batman & Robin – Who didn’t enjoy watching the Batman TV show from the 60s with the KA-POWs, BOOMs and Robin’s iconic “Holy popcorn, Batman!” jargon?  The same people who were excited to see one of their favorite comic book characters come to life on the big screen portrayed by Michael Keaton (meh) or Val Kilmer (yay).  But then the studios wanted to squeeze a little more moo-lah out of the franchise with a fourth film.  Kilmer took over the honors from Keaton for the third film and was offered the part for the fourth, yet he refused to work alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger and thus the part was recast.  George Clooney was gaining powerful momentum as a Hollywood A-list celebrity in 1997 (due to his success on the popular TV series E.R.) and took over the role of the Caped Crusader.  Unfortunately, he was a terrible Batman.  Awful.   The villains were pretty pathetic too: Schwarzenegger was as good of a villain as he is a governor, Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy was overrated and although not a villain, Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl.  Who could take her seriously when her last big film was that of a ditsy, spoiled blonde in Clueless?  This Batman film brought a shame upon the franchise that would not to be redeemed until Batman Begins, eight years later.

Me, Myself & Irene – I love Jim Carey – when he truly acts.  Yes he can do dumb slap-stick comedy like no one else, but he is truly at his best in films that show off his acting prowess (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Majestic, The Truman Show).  Me, Myself & Irene killed so many brain cells I’m sure it was some time before they were able to regenerate.  For the record, I was coerced into seeing that movie by my then boyfriend.

And finally for some dishonorable mentions: Legally Blonde 2, American Pie, Scream, Scary Movie, Road Trip and many more that I can’t think of or don’t want to waste the time to list.

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